It’s hard not to hate..

courtesy# imgfave

It’s hard not to hate.. people, things, institutions. When they break your spirit and take pleasure in watching you bleed.. hate is the only feeling that makes sense.

But I know what hate does to a man. Tears him apart.. tears him in something he’s not.. something he promised himself he’d never become.

That’s what I need to tell you.. to let you know how hard I’m trying not to cave under the weight of all the awful things I feel in my heart.

Sometimes my life feels like a deadly balancing act.. what I feel slamming up against what I should do. Impulsive reactions racing to solutions miles ahead of my brain.

When I look at my day.. I realize most of it was spent cleaning up the damage of the day before. In that life I have no future.. all I have is distractions and remorse.

..that's Jax Teller ..speaking my mind!

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♫ ♫ "And at that time I didn't know.. just how hard the wind could blow.. towards disaster and the things that i would see.." ~ the lost boy, greg holden

Yaadein.

courtesy# weheartit.com

kuch kuch beetin yaadein hai..

kuch saath bhi hai kuch tanhaayi bhi.

kuch kuch lambi sadkein hai..

kuch halki barsatein bhi.

kuch kuch tasveeron ki baatein hai...

kuch rangeen hain kuch berangi bhi.

kuch kuch adhure saaz hain..

kuch bhuli si nazmein bhi.

kuch kuch khusiyon ki titliyaan hai..

kuch pyaar bhi hai kuch ruswaai bhi.

kuch kuch jaagi raatein hain..

kuch hain din ke khwaab bhi.

kuch kuch filmon si kahaniyaan hain..

kuch muskaanein hain kuch siskiyaan bhi.

kuch kuch apnon se chehre hain..

kuch gumnaam se rishtey bhi.

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♫ ♫ "Maybe then I'll fade away and not have to face the facts.. It's not easy facin' up when your whole world is black.." ~ paint it black, the rolling stones

Disconnected

I don’t know what I really wanna write.. probably I wanna talk.. talk to the point where I get so exhausted that I crash wherever I stand. Lately there had been so much shit going on in life.. my life.. that I have kinda accepted it as a fact that Life is shit.. nothing else. Somehow.. life is extra shitty when you come from a country like India.

No one cares about you.. not just not as much as you yourself do... but not at all.. probably not even your parents. In a money minded and show-off culture like ours.. nothing is more important than how society looks at us.. how they talk to us.. what they talk about us. If you have money to give away.. lend.. or even to show off.. people would lick your arse every morning.. noon and night.

When u are committed to something.. people start using your commitment against you. Will make you feel as beggar.. and well.. beggars are not choosers. So, you have no right to think about yourself. If you are committed.. you have given all the rights to the people around you to stab u again and again... probably until you bleed out.

Some people say that suicide is an easy thing.. running away is easy and thats what suicide is all about.. and that we shud think about people who we leave behind us.. Enough has already been said about people and dear ones.. But I wonder if its that easy a thing to do.. or may be I have always had half hearted feelings about it. May be I am too spineless to find such an easy task as the most daunting one.

Life had always been partial with me. I wonder why life regards me with such animosity. I always had to go that extra mile to achieve the most trivial thing.. though my siblings will have a different opinion.. but my friends who have known me for past couple of years will vouch for that. Half of my life went down the drain struggling for something or the other. I feel tired now. I feel like giving up.

I wonder how much strength it takes to leave everything behind. Everything and everyone you cared about. Probably, a lot. It amazes me how we hold on to hypothetical things and hypocrite people.. and give so much of our life to them.. that we end being nothing but just some use and throw paper napkins.. not just to be torn and thrown away but to be shredded piece by piece before they are dumped in the bin.

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♫ ♫ "If what they say is 'Nothing is forever'.. what makes love the exception?" ~ hey ya, outkast

Hai Pata Humhe..

courtesy# weheartit.com

hai pata humen ki hai ilm tujhe...

kya chubhta hai,

kya jalta hai.

hai pata humen ki hai ilm tujhe..

kya rulata hai,

aur kya khalta hai.

anjaan bane baithe jo ho tum..

de jakhm wahi,

jo na sambhalta hai.

hai pata humen ki hai ilm tujhe..

apno ke diye choton pe,

dard bhi jyada hota hai.

gar khushi tumhe mil jaye kaho to..

saanson ko main apni..

kal hi tumtak bhejwa dun.

hai pata humen ki hai hai ilm tujhe..

humse naa aise jeete..

naa marte banta hai.

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“You don't know about falling off cliffs, Prep­pie,' she said. 'You never fell off one in your god­damn life.'
'Yeah,' I said, re­cov­er­ing the power of speech. 'When I met you.” 

― Erich Segal, Love Story

Life moves on. Without you.

courtesy# weheartit.com

It was one final good bye.. about two months ago. At that time I was so unsure about this. I never thought we could pull it off.. I could pull it off.

August 31.. our last evening together. Oh boy.. what fun we had till wee hours of the morning. That one night when you didn't let me sleep.. and.. I didn't stop.

Then.. the very next morning.. the unfortunate happened. I fell sick. Initially we both controlled.. u seducing me.. I having you. But things only got worse. And then.. who would have thought that the physician would advice me complete abstinence from you.

Now.. When I go to a restaurant or pub.. I order a glass of orange juice.. enjoy it.. and then order one more. Life moves on. Without you.

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♫ ♫ "would you believe me when I tell you.. you're the queen of my heart" ~ Love Buzz, Nirvana 

You Can't Always Get What You Want.

courtesy# weheartit.com

once in a while you somehow get sometime to spend with yourself. just you.. and your self. you inevitably end up introspecting.. about your current state and crib about how an ordeal your life is turning out to be. believe it or not.. there are only a very few moments in life when you are satiated with your current state in life. then you go in retrospection and smile at all those wonderful moments life has given you.. the lovely moments that shall remain forever etched in your memory.. moments that you would love to relive again and over again.

let's say somehow your life as in current state is like a beautiful ride through a lush green european country side. picture perfect. well.. if not everything.. atleast somethings in life are always picture perfect. we either notice them.. or let them pass by failing to cherish them. it's how you and i are.. just human. nevertheless.. if you feel happy about something.. you end up dreaming about how much more wonderful it could be few days, months, or years down the line. you can see and feel colours all around.. bright.. vibrant.. happy. but optimism doesn't come to everyone of us very easy. sometimes.. its just the sign of a beginning.. when your life is somehow guided by 'how you want it to be'.

with time you would have fantasised so much about how wonderful life is gonna be.. that.. one small thing that comes out of equation sets you in a state of restlessness. either u get completely freaked out.. or u try to think of a plan-B. but that wont stop you from freaking out with a slight push off the edge once in a while. out of the myriad of stupid things god ever created.. human brain truly steals the show. it will always.. always always do.. what it must not. it will take you on to a horrible ride of how things are falling apart.. how everything is going left and not right.. instead of telling you that everything will be allright.

but.. the worse would yet be.. when you somehow land up in everything all at once.. together. when your feelings are mixed.. confused.. inexplicably strange. one moment you feel happy and next moment you are sad.. and then the very next moment you are scared. there is no easy escape from the labrynthine thoughts that you get tied to. you keep having altercations with and within urself.. the altercations that somehow either end abruptly.. or the ones that you dont know how to end. just like.. this one.

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.. but if you try sometime.. you just might find.. you get what you need. ♫ ♫

Ehsaas..

bahte bahte nadi ki dhaara me..

kab itni dooor nikal aaye..

kab samandar me aa mile..

pata hi nahi chala.

aaj jab khol aanhen..

idhar udhar nazren kya feri..

naa dhaara kahin thi..

naa kahin kinaara tha.

bas lahron ki bheed thi..

aur uss bheed me..

khud ko sambhalne me..

khoye hue hum.

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image: flickrhivemind.net

One Day..

It was a lovely Sunday morning in the cold winters of Delhi. They woke up in each others arms, each caressing the other with the intangible and impeccable love they adorned. They held to each other as if this morning would never come to an end.. held tight to not let the other go... for after having a wonderful time together in last two years.. it's time for them to part.

The caretakers of the orphanage finally found surrogate parents for one of the brother's... the little one. From here on.. life's gonna change... for both of them. And hopefully.. in a good sense. Finger's crossed.

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# UN's WFP

Roz Ki Baatein...



weheartit.com

    zindagi.. kuch shabdon ki kahani..

    kuch pal me beet jaate..
    wo din ke chaubees ghante..
    kuch minton ki neend..
    aur chehre pe padne lagti.. wo sunhari roshni..
    fir wahi..
    kuch pal ke chaubees ghante..
    zindagi maano ki yun.. saanson se nahi..
    ghaadi ki sui se chal rahi ho.
    :\

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    ♫ ♫ Madno, Lamhaa

Kuch Saans Bhi De Do..

di hai jo zindagi..

kuch saans bhi de do.
raat jo di hai..
kabhi neend bhi de do.
jo diye hain raste..
koi manzil bhi de do.
aankhen jo di hain..
thodi roshni bhi de do.
di hai jo pyaas..
kabhi neer bhi de do.
khusboo to di hai..
bikherne ko hawa bhi de do.
di hai jo zindagi..
kuch saans bhi de do.

image: lourdesseniormediaarts@blogspot

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    Now Playing... Haal-e-Dil.. by BigB

I wish you did..

    you hear what is being said...

    but u only listen..

    what you want to..

    the point is..

    if you can listen to..

    the speaking words..

    between the spaces..

    of the words spoken.

    the words..

    that have meaning..

    only in silence..

    only then..

    you actually know the person.

image: weheartit.com

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Listening to.... 'Tum Ho' by Mohit Chauhan

Kuch Shabd Purane..

    aaj subah ugte suraj ne...

    palat palat un peele panno ko.. 

    mujh sang yaadon ko bhi jaga diya..

    baarish yahan hui jo waisi..

    palkon ko bheegoti.. wo..

    bhini bhini mitti ki khushboo..

    baithe hue khidki ke sahare...

    takte yun bahar..

    bheegi hui sadken.. aur unpe chalte..

    kuch wo do-ek kadam..

    aur fir.. naa jaane kyun laga aisa..

    kareeb hi shayad koi...

    ek anjaani si dhun baja raha tha..

    jee to hua yun ki..

    dhundhun.. dekhun.. ki wo kaun hai..

    ehsaaas hua fir yun..  ki wo koi aur nahi..

    bas mann ke ander ki aaawaz hai..

    khush tha shayad wo..

    ya fir... shayad beparwaah..

    shaam bhi kuch waisi hi thi..

    an-ant baatein aur..

    tan tan karti sheeshe ki botle..

    baat wo jo bas...

    chhand shabdon me kahni thi...

    naa jaane kab..

    ek puri kahani me tabdeel ho gayi..

    Jab dhyan gaya us...

    thande padte neele aasman ki taraf..

    to laga yun ki..

    ummeed bas ab is aane waali raat se hai..

    neendon me hi sahi..

    khwab koi to naya wo le aaye..

image: weheartit.com

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    Listening to... The Scientist by Coldplay

what went wrong?

Once there was this little boy. He loved small plants. But unfortunately he had none at his home. So, he thought of planting one on his own. Upon request, his dad bought him a small sapling, some fertilizers and a small pot.

The little boy gathered all the soil he could and filled his pot with it. Mixed the fertilizer well and planted his sampling. He, then later watered the sapling.

That night he dreamt that his plant has grown tall and also has some roses budding on it. He dreamed of how beautiful his plant looked with so many colours on it.

When he woke up in the morning, first thing he did was to run to his plant and check it out. He found that the plant was same as he left it yesterday. He thought maybe he didn't mix enough fertilizer and didn't give it enough water. He pondered that may be he shouldn't have kept it in the sun. His plant didn't grow because it might have been sweating under 45°C sun.

He brought the pot inside in the shade. Mixed the entire box of fertilizer in the soil and kept watering it every hour. He made it sure that there always was more water than the soil could actually absorb. His mom told him that he was doing it all wrong. And, so did his friends. But he didn't care what others said. It was “his” plant and how can others know better than him about it. He thought everyone hated his plant and wanted it to die.

Days passed by. The leaves of his plant started drying up. The only flower that was there when his dad bought the sapling home was also gone. And one day, his beloved plant died.

He could not understand what happened. He kept thinking what went wrong. He showered his plant with so much love and care. He always watered it. He made sure his plant was not left under the hot sun. He also kept mixing the fertilizers everyday. What else did his plant want?

Today he knows, too much of anything.. kills everything. And.. too much of everything.. kills anything.

image : tallulahbelleoriginals.com

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Listening to... Knockin' on Heaven's Door by Eric Clapton

Defining Fiction...

fiction is just an escape that was invented by people who wanted their real life to be less strange than it usually is... invented by people who couldn't accept the harsh reality that life brought with it... invented by people who always wanted to be heard and were ashamed to share what life actually had got them... invented by people who were running from themselves...

and by people who....... were strong enough to forget their worries and think about something else... by people who were optimistic about happily ever after... by people who taught us to have hope.... by people who taught us to fight and believe when no one believes in us.... by those who knew.. life could actually be different...

image: weheartit.com

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Listening to... No one is to blame by Howard Jones

bas palken hi to jhapki thi..

ek mehfil hua karti thi yahan..
fir ab veerana sa kyun hai?
bas palken hi to jhapki thi..
fir sab badla sa kyun hai?


ek dhaga bhi to bandha tha..
fir sab beekhra sa kyun hai?
bas palken hi to jhapki thi..
fir sab badla sa kyun hai?


jab raah kabhi chhodi na maine..
fir sab bhatka sa kyun hai?
bas palken hi to jhapki thi..
fir sab badla sa kyun hai?


kuch oos ki boondein hi to thi..
fir sab bheega sa kyun hai?
bas palken hi to jhapki thi..


..fir sab badla sa kyun hai?

image: weheartit.com

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Listening to.. Coming Back to Life by Pink Floyd

Two Steps..

mickeymousewallpapers.com

when it feels.. its been eternity..
since.. u have been.. trying..

when it feels.. in life..
u have done enough.. and u can't anymore..
when it feels.. u are tired..
and.. that is all.. u are done walking..
u realise.. its actually..
just two steps.. that..u have taken so far..
and worse is.. u think..
if these were.. the right steps.. or wrong..

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Listening to.. I wanna go Home.. by Michael Buble

Life...

image: weheartit.com

Scared! Scared of yourself.. Scared of your feelings.. Scared of your way of looking at life.. Scared of your belief on relationships.. Scared of unselfish friendship.. Scared of Your love for someone.. You are scared.

You are not sure what you will be doing a little later in life.. and you can’t even look out for the answer.. because.. you don’t even know what exactly you are doing right now! You are scared of the uncertain future.. just because you feel your present hasn’t been good the way you wanted it to be. You ask yourself same question again and again.. and again. You talk to your friends of the same things. You are scared of taking a decision. You want to win.. but you don’t want to play! You are scared of the sun’s heat, unaware of the light it brings.

Scared of coming in front of someone.. a special someone. Scared of looking straight into her eyes. And you ask yourself “why?”. But the question remains unanswered. You think all weird.. You put in every odd combination of time and place.. and then get scared. You think of her all the time, walking, driving, sleeping, and dreaming. You find her every where, class, library, market, playground, canteen and cinema. But then one day you realize your heart’s broken. Well.. somebody else asked her out and you were a little late. What do you do now? Think.. cry.. dream.. and start all over again.. a new phase. And then again you find yourself.. thinking of her. But this “her” may not be the same. And you are scared. Will it happen again? Will your heart be broken again? What if the former loves you and the later doesn’t? You lie down. Stare at the sky. Scared again! Scared of all the “what?” in your life.

You suddenly realized that people around you are selfish.. and may be the friends you thought you were very close to.. are not actually the best people one can be around with. They are certainly not the greatest you ever met. And then you tend to realize.. the people who are now too far from you.. are some of the most important ones in your life! But you fail to see that they too might be feeling the same way. They might be confused and scared as you are. You are still scared. Scared to make the first move to get them back into your life.

You are scared of where you are. You want to create a space for yourself in the crowd. You want people to know you.. You want your presence to be felt.. You try.. Your opinions get stronger.. and You get nosey. You look into the matters of others, and find yourself judging more than usual.. because you feel you have better answers for life. You tend to help people in every matter; people whom you think are your friend. But then one day you realize.. there were certain boundaries in your life and so in everyone’s life which are constantly adding things to the list of.. what is acceptable and what isn’t. You learn that you got to act differently in front of different faces. And you are scared again. Scared of putting up a wrong mask at a wrong place. Scared of being what you are not.

You are scared of changing yourself as required. You try to stick to your beloved past with your life and then you feel.. the harder you try to hold on to the past.. the faster it moves further and further away from you. Away! And then you aren’t left with any choice but to move on.. Move ahead with what you have – A bunch of experience. You laugh at yourself.. you cry.. you scream.. You feel alone.. Confused and Scared.

You are scared.. and so are others. Scared of everything.. anything. And that’s life.

02:00 AM, 16th March 2007

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P.S. Song for the post.. Rain Drops Keep Falling on My Head