Scared! Scared of yourself.. Scared of your feelings.. Scared of your way of looking at life.. Scared of your belief on relationships.. Scared of unselfish friendship.. Scared of Your love for someone.. You are scared.
You are not sure what you will be doing a little later in life.. and you can’t even look out for the answer.. because.. you don’t even know what exactly you are doing right now! You are scared of the uncertain future.. just because you feel your present hasn’t been good the way you wanted it to be. You ask yourself same question again and again.. and again. You talk to your friends of the same things. You are scared of taking a decision. You want to win.. but you don’t want to play! You are scared of the sun’s heat, unaware of the light it brings.
Scared of coming in front of someone.. a special someone. Scared of looking straight into her eyes. And you ask yourself “why?”. But the question remains unanswered. You think all weird.. You put in every odd combination of time and place.. and then get scared. You think of her all the time, walking, driving, sleeping, and dreaming. You find her every where, class, library, market, playground, canteen and cinema. But then one day you realize your heart’s broken. Well.. somebody else asked her out and you were a little late. What do you do now? Think.. cry.. dream.. and start all over again.. a new phase. And then again you find yourself.. thinking of her. But this “her” may not be the same. And you are scared. Will it happen again? Will your heart be broken again? What if the former loves you and the later doesn’t? You lie down. Stare at the sky. Scared again! Scared of all the “what?” in your life.
You suddenly realized that people around you are selfish.. and may be the friends you thought you were very close to.. are not actually the best people one can be around with. They are certainly not the greatest you ever met. And then you tend to realize.. the people who are now too far from you.. are some of the most important ones in your life! But you fail to see that they too might be feeling the same way. They might be confused and scared as you are. You are still scared. Scared to make the first move to get them back into your life.
You are scared of where you are. You want to create a space for yourself in the crowd. You want people to know you.. You want your presence to be felt.. You try.. Your opinions get stronger.. and You get nosey. You look into the matters of others, and find yourself judging more than usual.. because you feel you have better answers for life. You tend to help people in every matter; people whom you think are your friend. But then one day you realize.. there were certain boundaries in your life and so in everyone’s life which are constantly adding things to the list of.. what is acceptable and what isn’t. You learn that you got to act differently in front of different faces. And you are scared again. Scared of putting up a wrong mask at a wrong place. Scared of being what you are not.
You are scared of changing yourself as required. You try to stick to your beloved past with your life and then you feel.. the harder you try to hold on to the past.. the faster it moves further and further away from you. Away! And then you aren’t left with any choice but to move on.. Move ahead with what you have – A bunch of experience. You laugh at yourself.. you cry.. you scream.. You feel alone.. Confused and Scared.
You are scared.. and so are others. Scared of everything.. anything. And that’s life.
02:00 AM, 16th March 2007
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P.S. Song for the post.. Rain Drops Keep Falling on My Head