Standing at the balcony of my apartment, alongside the busiest street of the city, I can see a myriad of lights of those distant cars but I can’t hear anything. I am holding a gun to my chin. I can’t feel anything except the chilling metallic ring against. Indifferent; I am not pressing it hard, I am just holding it casually. I don’t know why my hands aren’t shaking at this moment. “So, this is it”, I say and pull the trigger.
I leave the office. A little before time today. Infact, all I am doing in office is keep thinking and no work. There is no point. Atleast, I wont get that stare from people in my office. I pick up my phone, hang my bag and just leave. I stop by my favorite spot; pick up my Malboro and a bottle of Smirnoff. With the kind of mood I am in, Nirvana smells just right with its “come as you are”. Stopping at every possible street light, with a snails pace I move towards my apartment. Though there are honking cars supposedly beleaguering me, but I hear nothing. Nothing at all. Its as if my ears have been tuned to just one voice. Her voice.
I have made up my mind already. To do this. This is the only escape I can have. But, before i do this, I have some things to finish. And, I have some voices that I want to carry with me. Long lost friends and family. I call up everyone. One by one. Cherishing and reliving every moment that we had lived, shared and added together in our story. I ask them what would it be like if I was gone. They laugh. And, I laugh too. Not as if it was a joke. But, to the fact that they didn't understand.
And, I change my mind. I change my mind of going to the apartment. I take a look on the rear view mirror, and take a sharp U-Turn without taking off my feet from the gas. I head towards my favourite spot alongside the river. I pull up. Sit on the bonnet. Loosen the tie knot. Make my peg. Light myself a cigarette and stare at the flowing river. I want to make one last attempt. I take out my cell-phone. Slide it up. Check the last dialed contact. Stare at the number for long and then finally press the green. As usual, a ring but no answer. I smile. Slide it back in my pocket and finish my drink in one.
I get down. Uselessly I kick a stone to make it land more into the mud than water. Look at “my” river for one last time and get into the car. Turning on the ignition I swirl the un-finished cigarette out of the window and I drive on; back to the apartment. I drive slow. I wanna take a chance. May be she would call. I wanted to buy myself as much time as I can. Living with a hope. That’s all I have done my entire life. I reach my apartment. I park and move towards the elevator. I enter and press 17.
I open up the door, switch on the light and casually flip my cellphone on the couch. Sitting on the couch, with my arms resting on my knees and my hands clasping each other loosely, I am staring at the gun kept on the table in the front. It’s been for the past few days that I am thinking of giving up; everything. With that, I just have this life to give up. Even that wasn’t mine anyways. I raise my eyes to the cell phone that I casually threw on the couch in the front as I entered the place. “I should call her up before I do this”, I tell myself. I swing between Yes and No for couple of minutes. I rise, reach out to my phone, walking a few steps I call her.
She did not pick up.
I smile and casually flip the phone back to where it was. I pick up the gun and walk out of the hallway to the balcony.
Standing at the balcony of my apartment, alongside the busiest street of the city, I can see a myriad of lights of those distant cars but I can’t hear anything. I am holding a gun to my temple. I can’t feel anything except the chilling metallic ring against my head. Indifferent; I am not pressing it hard, I am just holding it casually. I don’t know why my hands aren’t shaking at this moment. "So, this is it", I say and I pull the trigger.
And here I am, motionless; lying in a pool of blood. I don’t have a nose, my jaw is not in its place, I cannot say where one of my eyeballs is, but the other one is stuck loose in its pocket.
And.. my cell phone rings. Yes.. she called. But...