a summer when..

It was too hot one summer..

and i wanted to dive and float,

in water blue and cold.

then i saw a freshly dug well,

with water shining and deep.

had no patience to wait,

went ahead and jumped.

initially..

it felt nice and soothing,

and then things turned.

I looked up to find...

I have jumped into

the darkness unmatched..

I wanted to get out of it,

to the light.

had no option but,

to crawl up the muddy walls.

i did.. tried.. took time..

and i reached nearly the top..

and then... it rained.

the muddy walls slipped,

and i was back in the well again.

trapped here now.. i wish..

there hadn’t been that summer,

when....

English bolni nahi aati?? Ch Ch Ch.....

The blog is the result of a video making rounds of FB walls these days. "Ye haal hai humare MPAs ka. Kya ye mulk chala sakte hain??" says the title of the video. A young 20 something chap is trying to ask a simple question to the politicians, "what is prosperity?". But, he has one constraint. They have to answer in English. I dont think the replies are important because the title of the video says it all. "Laughs".. That's our leaders.. "Our leaders".

It reminded me of another instance which was a very regular affair in the 90's. It was when Sachin Tendulkar was still a rising star and had to speak on receiving the MOM award, he was proudly making us indians ashamed by his lame english. Thats exactly what my Gen X/Y felt atleast. And same we said about Bhajji or any one who was actually making us more ashamed on the world podium by their stupid english than making us proud by their star acts.

"S&%le to English bhi bolni nahi aati", was a common expression we all used. I have a question. Were we justified in doing so? Were they really making us ashamed by their paralysed english or making us proud by making it to the national team and then playing like a star at the age of "just" 16?

If we talk about our very own Politicians, well I don't generally support them but talking about Lalu I can definitely say one thing, what he did to the Indian railways, an English speaking Nitish Kumar or Mamta Banerjee cannot ever do that. He reformed the IR from a loss making organization, intimidated to be landed into the private hands to the most profitable Indian organization during his reign. And our English speaking lady from Bengal hasn't paid Taxes to the government saying IR doesn't have enough funds and the profit ain't much. Lalu even though not knowing English has been one of the few politicians to make to the IIMs which even our oxford educated PM haven't had the privilege of.

We are ashamed if we don't know English while we are proud of not knowing our own Hindi, the national language. If I ask all those literate people of my country or better said my "Gen" who were ashamed because Sachin didn't knew English, I can bet, not even 10% would know how to write their own name in hindi let alone the numbers or kaa, khaa, gaa, ghaa. I wonder who should be ashamed. Sachin or Us?

We want to make the firangs know that we know their language and we are equal to them. And the fact stands that they have just been successful enough to make us feel that learning their language is a necessity for us. I wonder how wonderful it would have been if they would have found it more important to know our language. Isn't it? But why would someone find it important when we ourselves are ashamed of our own language.

Its high time that we feel proud of ourselves.. Of what we are.. Of what we have.. Of what is ours.. and of what we do... We may be driving a Ferrari, but still we are no one if we loose our own identity. Language is one of our such identities which makes us, Us. It took 5000 years for Hindi to evolve, and its not worth giving up something for 200 years of slavery. The sooner we understand, the better it is for us.

P.S. Well, actually the blog is a result of no work in office. :P :P

..AND I PULLED THE TRIGGER.

Standing at the balcony of my apartment, alongside the busiest street of the city, I can see a myriad of lights of those distant cars but I can’t hear anything. I am holding a gun to my chin. I can’t feel anything except the chilling metallic ring against. Indifferent; I am not pressing it hard, I am just holding it casually. I don’t know why my hands aren’t shaking at this moment. “So, this is it”, I say and pull the trigger.

..................................................................................

I leave the office. A little before time today. Infact, all I am doing in office is keep thinking and no work. There is no point. Atleast, I wont get that stare from people in my office. I pick up my phone, hang my bag and just leave. I stop by my favorite spot; pick up my Malboro and a bottle of Smirnoff. With the kind of mood I am in, Nirvana smells just right with its “come as you are”. Stopping at every possible street light, with a snails pace I move towards my apartment. Though there are honking cars supposedly beleaguering me, but I hear nothing. Nothing at all. Its as if my ears have been tuned to just one voice. Her voice.

I have made up my mind already. To do this. This is the only escape I can have. But, before i do this, I have some things to finish. And, I have some voices that I want to carry with me. Long lost friends and family. I call up everyone. One by one. Cherishing and reliving every moment that we had lived, shared and added together in our story. I ask them what would it be like if I was gone. They laugh. And, I laugh too. Not as if it was a joke. But, to the fact that they didn't understand.

And, I change my mind. I change my mind of going to the apartment. I take a look on the rear view mirror, and take a sharp U-Turn without taking off my feet from the gas. I head towards my favourite spot alongside the river. I pull up. Sit on the bonnet. Loosen the tie knot. Make my peg. Light myself a cigarette and stare at the flowing river. I want to make one last attempt. I take out my cell-phone. Slide it up. Check the last dialed contact. Stare at the number for long and then finally press the green. As usual, a ring but no answer. I smile. Slide it back in my pocket and finish my drink in one.

I get down. Uselessly I kick a stone to make it land more into the mud than water. Look at “my” river for one last time and get into the car. Turning on the ignition I swirl the un-finished cigarette out of the window and I drive on; back to the apartment. I drive slow. I wanna take a chance. May be she would call. I wanted to buy myself as much time as I can. Living with a hope. That’s all I have done my entire life. I reach my apartment. I park and move towards the elevator. I enter and press 17.

I open up the door, switch on the light and casually flip my cellphone on the couch. Sitting on the couch, with my arms resting on my knees and my hands clasping each other loosely, I am staring at the gun kept on the table in the front. It’s been for the past few days that I am thinking of giving up; everything. With that, I just have this life to give up. Even that wasn’t mine anyways. I raise my eyes to the cell phone that I casually threw on the couch in the front as I entered the place. “I should call her up before I do this”, I tell myself. I swing between Yes and No for couple of minutes. I rise, reach out to my phone, walking a few steps I call her.

She did not pick up.

I smile and casually flip the phone back to where it was. I pick up the gun and walk out of the hallway to the balcony.

Standing at the balcony of my apartment, alongside the busiest street of the city, I can see a myriad of lights of those distant cars but I can’t hear anything. I am holding a gun to my temple. I can’t feel anything except the chilling metallic ring against my head. Indifferent; I am not pressing it hard, I am just holding it casually. I don’t know why my hands aren’t shaking at this moment. "So, this is it", I say and I pull the trigger.

And here I am, motionless; lying in a pool of blood. I don’t have a nose, my jaw is not in its place, I cannot say where one of my eyeballs is, but the other one is stuck loose in its pocket.

And.. my cell phone rings. Yes.. she called. But...

kyun.

khafa khafa si palkon mein,

tere pyaar ki nami kyun hai.

tu paas hai fir bhi,

teri kami kyun hai.

sulajh si gayi thi jo ab tak,

sansen meri tujhme fir uljhi kyun hain.

hai neend ghaneri aankhon me,

raaten meri fir jaagi si kyun hain.

seedhe chalte sapne apne,

rahen humari fir ulti kyun hain.

ek toota taara dekha jab dono ne,

umeed fir mujhe hi kyun hai.

hai doobta suraj fir bhi,

us shaam ki kami kyun hai.

hai kami jab ek shabd ki bas,

fir kami ye itni bojhal kyun hai.

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1st Para : Courtesy Bhavna :)

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The Oasis..

barefoot he walks,

across the desert sand.
looking for an oasis,
he wanders along.
looks at the sun,
and then at
the mighty sand below.
pants and sweats,
but looses no hope.
illuded by a mirage,
again and again.
he finally decides,
its the wind,

that he shall follow.
but, not to where it goes,
where it's
intimidated to flow.
taking a deep breath,
he takes his steps.
and, a little further did he go,
there it was, he found

his oasis.

the changes.. the answer...

One morning you wake up and find everything has changed…. The colours around have become pale… the view outside your window is not that green anymore… The walk around the woods is not that lovely… neither is the fragrance of the air so alive… and the sleep ain’t that peaceful any longer……

You walk out looking for an answer to the maze… as a very normal human being, you try to ask the question to the familiar faces you had known…. To the faces that had been your strength and your weakness at the same time… But you don’t find them… you find yourself among faces unknown and strange….

Suddenly you find yourself as a loner among a myriad of people… with smiling yet un-friendly faces… You muster the courage to talk to one such faces… But they don’t speak the same language….. You want to talk heart but they are talking minds… they don’t understand you and neither do you understand them…

You think hard to figure out some faces which might be the same… You ride on to them…. Phew!! As you thot they didn’t change… You take a step ahead and looked for solace in them…. U did get a warm welcome but you realized that there is something that's missing… U shove the thot away.. and u ask them to play… but “sorry, we don’t have time”, they say… disappointed you leave the place…

You walk on, staring at the grey concrete… You put your hands in pocket and take out your loving music player… and finally you smile.. You plug in and play… but even the music didn’t sound the same… in a jiffy you pull out the earplugs… smash it on the concrete… and you stop and stare at the dead…

Confused you start to run… u donno where to go… you take this way.. and then that.. and then the other…. U donno if you took the right way… but you know that you need answers…. And you reach the sea… you take a deep breath and sit on the beach… and you see another change…. the is Sun setting in the East…

And now you give up on others…. You decide to ask the answers to yourself… You go home… You stand in front of the mirror…. And You get your answer.. They grew up.. but You remained the same!!!

what matters?

As everyone, you must have also read and been told…. right from the time when you were a mere toddler to the time when u started wooing gals.. that life is all about how big you become…

BIG… that’s a big word… but no one .. ever cared to make u realise that in the end.. its only the small things, that can make u happy… that can keep u happy…

And in your blind belief.. u start chasing ur Big dream.. not realising that you lost a mirade of small moments.. which would have actually mattered and shall always will….

 

Talking to Myself...

World doesn’t stop.. for you.. or for anyone else… so its better to keep moving slowly rather than making a stop… so at times, grab any opportunity that lies ahead instead of waiting for a better one… note – “at times”.

Time is the best healer… no matter how deeply hurt you are or were.. in months if not days.. in years if not months.. you will come out of it.. So chillax.. why worry?? ;)

Music is the best medicine….. Try it… when a little tensed, say before going to the stage for something… keep humming ur favourite tune and see the Magik :)

A light drizzle and a little wind.. esp along the beach is the most romantic thing out there… don’t u think so??? Try writing something… the words will be poetry.. trust me on that!!!

The most dangerous disease that I see as of today is the phone ring sickness.. When walking in the market or driving.. Invariably u will feel that ur phone is ringing and then not to much surprise it wouldn’t. : Advise – Its time to change ur ring tone!!!

Planning to go on a holiday?? C’mon dude… don’t plan… just pack ur bag and leave..

In ur bathroom, make sure u don’t, in any damn situation are either standing or sitting right below the geyser… U might not have Hitler’s luck as I had… :D

Find ur best friend in ur parents.. no matter how high u fly… and no matter how good a friend u have… ur parents are the only one who wouldn’t be jealous of you.

Thinking about oneself is not being selfish.. thinking ONLY about oneself is what is being selfish.. so, go ahead and think about urself, but not at the cost of the happiness of ur near and dear ones.

When in bad mood, switch off ur phone.. its better to introspect than to loose respect.. understand what I mean?? :P

Never take out ur rant on ur food.. it has got nothing to loose.. sole looser?? you!!

When something is really worrying you… and u really really don’t wanna think about it… watch a nice gripping movie… atleast it can help u in doing that for the next couple of hours. And “what after that?” Pal, start with another movie!!! ;)

There is nothing wrong in praying at times… believe it or not.. it does give u some peace and a little confidence.

U really want something? badly? how badly? Well, Dont say... show how much u really want that.. and u will have it. Provided other's dont show that they want it more than you do ;)

Nothing is impossible... Neither is anything difficult.. not even digging ur own grave!! Well, arent u digging ur own grave by smoking 10 each day. Think abt it. (P.S. I dont smoke. Its just a thought :P)